Lightly dust-spray the edges of a large picture in the most prominent space in your living room. Remove it and hide it in your garage, leaving a tell-tale vacancy on your wall. Practice pathetically saying you need help in redecorating your entire house.
- Collect and place flower shop call cards strategically close to your to-do lists so they may seen.
- Borrow a pet for her first visit. A small dog or cat will do. Place a pet bed and food bowl next to each other. Explain that your therapist recommends you get a pet for companionship.
- Obtain and earmark pages on thick books by Thomas Merton, Thich Nhat Han, Adrienne Rich and Susan Faludi next to your favorite recliner you use to watch football.
- Prominently place a copy of Phyllis Schlafly’s book in your trash basket.
- Expect a stealth inspection of your closet and medicine cabinet. A.) Hang a smoking jacket on the door of your closet. Be sure to place a cigar burn on its left sleeve. ) Place an empty bottle of Viagra in your medicine cabinet. (Do not put it next to your nitroglycerin tablets, as this is a sure sign of a death wish under embarrassing circumstances.)
- While opening the evening wine bottle, whisper to yourself how you miss scalloped potatoes and how you never get them anymore. Repeat it reluctantly when she asks what you’re whispering.
- On weekends, attach a multi-purpose tool to your jean’s belt. Tape up your index finger least you be asked to fix or repair something.
- Wear a disheveled tie on your first date to a charity ball. Make no effort to correct it. Be ready. This is an irresistible come-on.
- Bonus Tip: Always have an escape plan handy. Here is a good one; confess you are secretly in love with your therapist.
El Guapo is a man of impeccable refinement and besides being muy handsome, he’s considered one of the most interesting men in the world.
Over The Hill Reluctant
Get Out of the Bedroom!
There’s a disturbing new trend among rich baby boomers. No, not that they are getting even richer. Apparently, according to architects and home builders, wealthy boomers are not downsizing. In fact, they are making their master bedrooms even larger so that they can live in one big room while the rest of the house remains vacant…waiting for the next party or set of house guests.
The kids are out of the house but these boomers just don’t want to part with their furnishings. The solution is to expand the master bedroom and rarely use the rest of the house. Builders of $10 million homes say that the buyers want wet bars, drawing rooms, dressing rooms and oversized bathrooms in their master suites. A 12,000 square-foot home in Aspen has an elevator that goes from the garage straight to the master bedroom that features an office, gym, fridge, sink and coffee maker. So a portable frig is no longer a big deal. Most of the house traffic is from the bedroom to the kitchen and back.
Which begs the question. Why not combine the kitchen and the master and just never leave that one big space. Nightstands could be replaced by beverage dispensers combined with convection ovens. The headboard could be a refrigerator-freezer combo. Groceries can be delivered by Peapod and with the help of Alexa opening the front door, the delivery person can bring everything straight into the master.
If the children and grandchildren show up, they can have the rest of the house, bedrooms and living room to themselves. The boomers can remain in their stand-alone apartment and only come out when the mood strikes.
Brokers are comparing this trend to the European penchant for closing off large parts of the baronial estate. Only the Europeans have to rent out their estates for weddings and tours in order to cover their annual upkeep. Not so wealthy boomers. They can afford to cocoon themselves in extravagant master suites without ever letting the rest of the world in.
When you think about it, even not so wealthy boomers can emulate this trend. Just move into a suite at a luxury hotel and when the kids come, make then rent their own rooms. Done.
Jay Harrison is a graphic designer and writer whose work can be seen at DesignConcept. His mystery novel, Head Above Water, is available on Amazon and Kindle. You can also visit his author page here.
Janice
She’s actually quite a lovely person, as long as you find yourself in alignment with her version of absolute truth. Any attempt to debate, discuss, refute or think differently from her firmly-established points of view is an invitation to ruin. She can be difficult.
After thirty years I know her pretty well. I’ve learned that “Never a dull moment” is all you can count on. I know that she knows what she wants, and that I can’t tell her anything that she doesn’t already know and also consider to be wrong and beyond stupid so why did I even mention it? Then it’s a spat.
I am conflict adverse, and even when I know for double-dog sure that she is completely uninformed about a given subject, I have learned to keep it to myself, which means that I spend a lot of time looking down at my shoes so she doesn’t see me rolling my eyes. It is also a powerful incentive to spend as much time as I can in the recording studio with the door closed. I don’t see that my presence is missed.
An old friend once ventured, “Relationships have a shelf life.” He’s been married more than twice, and I know plenty of other couples who act like they are ready to trade the relationship either for the single life or what they hope is a better match. The question for all of us seems to be: “Is this how I want to spend the rest of my life?”
Is the devil you know of less concern than the one who might or might not be waiting around the corner? What will it take for me to decide I’ve had enough? Do I even believe in magic anymore or is that done? Does it all come down to cutting your losses?
I don’t know all the answers. If I did know I’d probably suggest that it’s time to practice the notions I preach to myself when I lay me down at night and pretend to sleep:
This is not a dress rehearsal
Bloom where you are planted
Be here now
Life is good
Be careful what you wish for
Then I turn on the light and write down what I hope are the start of lyrics for a new song:
Out of nowhere, a change of plan
Starting all over
all over again
It happens, it happens
Harpeth Rivers is a New Mexico transplant from all over who has in the last year written songs about isosceles triangles, played bass guitar in a band, and declared himself “Retro-eclectic.” His novel-in-progress is entitled Last Year.
Midnight Confessions
I’ve decided to try a new feature. I say try, because I know myself all too well. As a Libra I tend to go with my own flow so setting any new discipline for myself usually falls by the wayside. In my advancing decrepitude I’m learning to cut myself some slack, though. I spent too many years in the corporate workforce to allow my retirement to follow those old rules and regs concerning being a winner. I won already, ok? I made it through commuting, single parenting and climbing the ladder to come out relatively sane. All this is to say I may or may not continue this as a weekly feature. It depends on my mood, energy, and motivation. Here goes.
- TELEVISION: Anything about Roman history. I’ve almost memorized all the emperors in date order, although it gets a little fuzzy after Constantine. Last night a friend and I were talking about this and he asked me which emperors I preferred. I didn’t really know how to answer, because they all were a bit dickish, but I rather like Commodus, and I’ve always liked Claudius. Caligula was bad, but I think some of his bad press was propaganda, and I sort of feel sorry for Nero, probably because he never was emperor material, being a musician and poet. Might be why he cracked up in the end. I think he might have fared better if his barber had given him a better beard.
- FOOD: Sometimes a girl just has to have her black licorice. And not Twizzlers! Hate those. They do weird color changes to your, well, trust me. Certain things should NOT come out Nyquil green. Because our local grocery quit carrying Scottie Dogs, I have to resort to the Red Vines brand. I would buy Panda, but the local health food store went out of business.
- DRINK: Coke Zero. Because it’s too warm for wine and beer makes me feel bloated.
- MUSIC: Lately, I’ve been listening to a lot of 70s music, mostly the stuff that came out of Laurel Canyon.
- PC GAMES: Yes, I play them. Last week I was into building games (Ancient Rome 2 — go figure), but this week I’m liking match-3 games. Current favorite: Classic Jewel Quest. By the way the links point to a great place to download absolutely free, safe, full games.
- WASTE OF TIME: Daydreaming of just where I’d choose to live if someone offered to enable that for us. I confess I’m still rather hung up on Woodstock, NY, but I’m still dreaming of England. Last week I wanted to live in Wellington, New Zealand, but then I learned that country’s situated on two huge tectonic plates, and a “big one” is expected at anytime. There’s also tsunamis and volcanoes to consider, plus we’d never see anyone ever again so this week it’s a toss up between Woodstock and England.
We’ll see if I continue this silliness.
SK Waller is an author and composer. Books One and Two (With A Dream and With A Bullet) of her rock and roll series, Beyond The Bridge, takes places in late 70s London. Read more at SK Waller SKWaller.com.
People Persons?
Anti-social or just getting more picky? Baby boomers are less socially engaged than people the same age 20 years ago according to a Stanford Center on Longevity study. How do you define social engagement you might be asking? The Center defined it as something measured by involvement with family, friends, neighbors, spouses, as well as work, volunteer or community activities.
Are we deliberately pulling back on social commitments or is it due to lack of time or other pressures. Baby boomers are the sandwich generation after all, and they may be caring for elderly parents while their children may still live under their roof. The need to continue working for financial considerations is also a factor. Boomers have also moved frequently during their careers and that has limited longer-term interpersonal relations.
I recently had a discussion where a group of baby boomers agreed that while face to face socialization and bonding over common interests might be desirable, the same connection via the internet might be more satisfying and even more efficient. A hypothetical group of stamp collectors might dislike each other’s politics if they met in person, but the internet interaction helps to keep the focus on stamps. So even polarization has been a factor in discouraging more face to face interactions.
Texting and email have definitely made it easier to stay in touch with “your people.” Is that a bad thing? I don’t believe it is, but some of the Stanford researchers are concerned about what’s lost when boomers back away from meaningful engagement. Keeping to ourselves may not be good for our communities that need volunteers, mentors and civic minded participants.
I don’t foresee boomers becoming so isolated that their communities suffer as a good percentage of them will continue to be socially engaged. We may be trying to find that happy medium where we maintain quality real time people interactions along with social media interactions. Bottom line, it’s too soon to label boomers and people who don’t need people. In fact, we need people more than ever but we’re redefining how we maintain those relationships.
Jay Harrison is a graphic designer and writer whose work can be seen at DesignConcept. His mystery novel, Head Above Water, is available on Amazon and Kindle. You can also visit his author page here.
Girls Can’t…
I grew up under a mantra: “Girls can’t… whatever.” I don’t even remember being asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. People didn’t ask girls that question in the 1950s. At least, not where I grew up. I wasn’t aware—not consciously—of living under any restrictions, but they were there all the same, looming over me like a huge, tightly clenched fist. I didn’t feel sorry for myself, it’s just the way it was.
When I wanted to be a doctor my mother said, “Girls can’t be doctors. You’d have to be a nurse.” But I didn’t want to be a nurse. I wanted to be a surgeon so I watched a television show that showed surgeries, albeit in black and white, until my parents decided it wasn’t interesting. When I wanted to be a jockey my mother said, “Girls can’t be jockeys. You’d have to marry a rich rancher.” But I didn’t want to marry a rancher so I watched National Velvet on TV. When I wanted to be an architect, my mother said, “Girls can’t be architects. You’d have to be a secretary.” But I didn’t want to be a secretary so I drew my own blueprints of houses, hotels, and even an entire holiday village. This mantra was always followed with, “You can always get married.”
To be fair, being a surgeon was out because my parents couldn’t afford to put me through medical school, and being a jockey was out because they also couldn’t afford the upkeep of a horse, never mind jockey school. They could, however, afford to get me some of the tools I needed to make architecture a hobby. My mother telling me you can’t was her way of saying they couldn’t afford… whatever.
I’ve always had a certain house in mind. A dream house, if you will, a house I’ve designed over and over both in my head and on paper. Before the mid-to-late 1960s I’d never seen an architectural style like it, but I have to admit, the vision morphed and redesigned itself through the years as I borrowed elements that I found attractive in any given era.
So, here are some names for you, Mom.
- Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell (1821–1910) – First female US surgeon.
- Diane Crump (1948- ) – First female US jockey
- Lousie Blanchard Bethune (1856-1915) – First female US architect
There have been many, many women who followed in the footsteps of these pioneers.
SK Waller is an author and composer. Books One and Two (With A Dream and With A Bullet) of her rock and roll series, Beyond The Bridge, takes places in late 70s London. Read more at SK Waller SKWaller.com.
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