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Archives for January 2018

Mark, Sam…
Whatever Your Name Is

January 22, 2018 By admin

F I C T I O N  I bumped into Mark Twain the other day as he was coming out of Brooks Brothers. The white suit was so bright that I was temporarily blinded.

“Mark, I mean Sam? Is that you?”

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

“It’s funny that you say that because some people just keep harping on this whole fake news thing.”

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

“Exactly, and there’s a whole lot of distortion going on these days. What some would call outright lies.”

The most outrageous lies that can be invented will find believers if a man only tells them with all his might.

“Well there’s a lot of that going around these days, especially among people elected to hold high office.”

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.

“Amen to that. Are you working on any new books? You still have a lot of fans/”

My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. Fortunately everybody drinks water.

“And everybody likes a good Mark Twain yarn.”

I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.

“That’s witty. I wish I thought of that one.”

Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.

“True, but you seem to have a knack for the bon mots. How do you remember them?”

When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.

“That’s one of the drawbacks of getting older I guess.”

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

“Say again?”

The more you explain it, the more I don’t understand it.

“I don’t know what to say.”

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

“This may be a foolish question then, but do you believe in the afterlife?”

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

“I’ll drink to that, but I need to be going.”

All right, then, I’ll go to hell.

Jay Harrison is a graphic designer and writer whose work can be seen at DesignConcept. His mystery novel, Head Above Water, is available on Amazon and Kindle. You can also visit his author page here.

Filed Under: FICTION

TO: Helen Bach

January 22, 2018 By admin

To Helen Bach,
I’ve ended a long-term relationship and now I’m wondering how long should I feel guilty for leaving someone I used to love? When do I get to be happy?
Signed
Still Feeling Guilty for Wanting Happiness

Dear Still Feeling Guilty,

And feeling guilty is doing exactly what for you? The truth is we don’t always love forever. Hang out in guilt, finish rehashing the old arguments. Also, trust that time for mourning the loss is required. Then when you are ready, commit to your vision of what you choose next…Joy? Rewrite the story you’re telling of your life now that you’re free. Give yourself credit for moving toward happiness. Clarify in detail what you want, ‘cause you’re likely to get it. You need permission? Here it is: go – dance, sing! Life is short.

Helen

To Helen Bach,
I have been on a dating site for the “mature set” for a few months now and all the men I’m really attracted to are 10 years younger than me. Do you think it’s wrong to only date younger men and what do I do if one of these guys gets serious?
Signed
Stud Muffin Magnet

Dear Magnet,

Hello? Ok, ten years might be a slightly large gap, but do I really have to tell you to lap it up? Seriously, there is nothing wrong with it. You must be a woman… men have no problem dating younger women, or haven’t you noticed. Do you love some of the same music? Can you talk for hours or sit in silence with equal ease? Travel well together? Share books? Those are the questions. Age really doesn’t matter, it’s what you do with it.

Helen

Have a question for Helen? Don’t be shy, she’s very discrete. Go to the About Us page here and fill in the contact us email form. We’ll make sure Helen gets it.

Filed Under: FICTION

Dignitas

January 22, 2018 By admin

E S S A Y  What did I expect, taking the Ferry from Sausalito on Halloween? Hell, I was raised in San Francisco and have watched the City by the Bay bloat into a mecca for startups in a modern day version of the 1848 Gold Rush

Still, I couldn’t help being surprised by tumescent penises and leather-clad slaves in chains being goaded down Market Street by whip-wielding masters — much to the amusement of scores of young entrepreneurs snapping pictures with their cellphones.

Reaching First Street, I started to veer around a clutch of pedestrians, several of whom had stopped to take selfies, while other pedestrians gawked and laughed at someone moving down the crowded sidewalk toward us.

Then I saw her and knew immediately it was no Halloween costume the woman was wearing. Her blouse was torn, her skirt dirty, and her shoes scuffed and muddy. The middle-aged woman wasn’t mocking the homeless. She was one.

As she passed, I saw what she couldn’t, and what had drawn everyone’s attention and derision —- a strip of toilet paper at least twenty feet long was being trailed behind her.

She seemed unaware of the attention she was drawing, for she walked straight ahead, neither looking left or right, but continuing down the crowded sidewalk, with the spool of toilet paper following.

Not one person stepped forward to tell her. Everyone merely continued watching as she meandered through the lunchtime crowd.

“What happened to dignity?” I wanted to shout. Instead, I followed the woman toward the corner, and when she stopped for the traffic light at New Montgomery, I walked quietly up behind her so as not to frighten her and stepped on the square of toilet paper dangling from the bottom of her dress.

The light changed and she started across the street, with my shoe breaking the white trail of toilet paper no one wished to bring to her attention. At least she was no longer a spectacle; I thought, then turned back to the crowd and was unable to find a pair of eyes to meet my own. Everyone had gone back inside today’s version of the ostrich with its head in the sand: the ubiquitous handheld screen.

Call me a dinosaur, but at least I lived my life on the earth and not inside a simulacrum of it. I retained a few essential things from the mist of the past: there is no app for empathy; and dignity is a given for anytime two people appear to reach other. Or at least used to be.

Besides, all of us are trailing something, aren’t we?

Stewart Lindh is from Sausalito, California

Filed Under: ESSAY

You’re Getting Sleepy…

January 2, 2018 By admin

E  S  S  A  Y   Or not.

Boomers are not sleeping like we used to and people who study this kind of thing can prove it. No less an authority on health than the National Institutes of Health is telling us that older adults typically have more trouble falling asleep.

No kidding. In their study of adults over 65, 13 percent of men and 36 percent of women take more than 30 minutes to fall asleep. On top of that, we sleep less deeply and wake up more frequently during the night. This change in our sleep patterns is mostly due to a lowered secretion of melatonin, the hormone that promotes sleep.

How about the fact that we have a lot on our minds? Yes. Experts agree that boomers have cares that are both upstream and downstream. They worry about their children and grandchildren as well as their elderly parents. Then there are the financial issues. Did we save enough for retirement? Will we be living in a van?

So this is not the new normal. If we’re not sleeping well, we need to do something about it. The mattress companies would have you believe that the solution is a new mattress and foundation (that’s what they’re calling boxsprings these days). And that could help, but experts think that getting more exercise is effective along with meditation and getting outdoors more often. So start doing something more aerobic such as brisk walking or swimming and get out and commune with nature before you run down to the mattress store where you will be tortured to find 107 kinds of mattress choices that totally baffle you. Consistency when it comes to your bedtime schedule is also supposed to help according to insomnia experts. Your bed should be in cool, dark and quiet space and it helps even more if you can create some kind of ritual that puts your mind in a restful state. To which I say, easier said than done when it comes to achieving a restful state of mind these days, but worth the effort to try.

If none of these suggestions help, it may be time to talk to your doctor or head to the sleep clinic to see if there’s a medical issue that’s affecting your sleep. There are effective treatments out there and seeking them out is a lot healthier than ignoring the problem.

So if you’re experiencing a lack of sleep that should be a wake-up call. I bet the experts never use that one.

Jay Harrison is a graphic designer and writer whose work can be seen at DesignConcept. His mystery novel, Head Above Water, is available on Amazon and Kindle. You can also visit his author page here.

Filed Under: ESSAY

Not What He Seems

January 2, 2018 By admin

E  S  S  A  Y   I’m riding with Jim, my new sales rep in upstate New York. We’re going over to meet with Larry, the senior purchasing agent at the Bausch and Lomb Company in Rochester.

“We have to take him out to lunch,” Jim says. “I always take him out to lunch. He gives me valuable information on pricing and new product launches. He tells me what the competitors are up to.”

“OK,” I shrug. But I’m not much in the mood for entertaining today. Over the years, I’ve found that wining and dining purchasing agents is a particularly big waste of time. I’ve found them to be, as a group, either lugubriously boring and tediously lackluster people, or all smiles and chatteringly chipper like a pack of demented squirrels.

Larry is no exception. He’s short, slow-moving, and stocky with close-cropped hair and thick-lensed glasses. Over lunch he swills down, without a whole lot of ceremony, two vodkas-on-the-rocks and three red wines, which is a lot when you’ve got to go back to work.

But what really gets my goat is his habit of repeating himself over and over again. I probably wouldn’t mind it so much if he had anything useful or interesting to say, but he doesn’t. Everything he says is just so damned boring, a continuous rambling stream of useless, nonsensical blathering.

To make matters worse, to add to the unbearableness of it all, I can hardly hear him. He speaks in a soft, inaudible monotone. He’s practically whispering. It’s maddening, him droning on and drinking, drinking and droning on, and on and on.

What is this guy talking about? Why am I here? And what the hell is he doing in a job like this, a job of decision-making and dealing with vendors and customers? I’m annoyed with Jim, too, for getting us into this stupid situation. I want to get it over with and get back to work. I’m glaring at Jim. Jesus, this is like being at the dentist.

Then Larry, for no particular reason I can determine, blurts out that his birthday is Saturday; he’s turning 44. I notice his college ring, 1970, the same year I graduated college. But I’m only 42. Where did those extra two years of his go? Suddenly, a light goes on in my thick, foolish, insensitive head. I understand his mindless meanderings.

“So Larry,” I say, “You’ve been to Vietnam.”

Jim’s mouth drops open. “How could you possibly know that?”

But Larry peers quietly over his thick glasses at me for a long time. Then he smiles a soft, easy smile, rubs his wrinkled forehead hard and says, “I was in the Iron Triangle the winter of ‘66.”

I order another drink for him, and one for myself, too.

Michael Estabrook lives in Acton, MA.

 

Filed Under: ESSAY

Oh No Not Again

January 2, 2018 By admin

F I C T I O N   Thursday 3:41 PM- This hasn’t been a great day for me as a writer. Nothing I’ve tried to say to myself or anybody who’ll listen makes any sense. It’s almost cocktail time, and I feel like the proverbial drinker with the writing problem.

I was almost at the point of giving up on the project when it dawned on me that maybe the perfect topic for this assignment could be a flagrant outpouring of just how much I don’t appreciate the opportunity. To satisfy my goal of 400 words will require a half hour in the notebook, then another half hour creating a transcription to the word processor, plus a half hour to check spelling and punctuation. Then I’ll probably put it away for a few hours and maybe come back for another look tomorrow. Do the math; writing doesn’t appear without time and effort.

I ask myself: what do I hope to get in return? There really aren’t any guarantees. Is it because I enjoy suffering the self-mutilation? Do I really think that a normal person would read this pathetic lament and care in the least about my self-inflicted misery? Come on now, if you’re having zero fun as you claim, and there is nobody but yourself holding a gun to your head demanding pages, help me out here, there must be something in it for you? Do you love the worthless feeling of not knowing what you want to say or how to say it? Is this a play for some kind of prize depicting un-enlightenment?

Before you attempt to weasel out of telling the truth using that “I don’t know” scam, try completing the following sentence: “I don’t know, but if I did know . . .” I’d say that it’s probably about wanting some kind of recognition for the effort I make and it appears that I’m not getting that satisfaction from the writing process itself.

I could conclude this rant the way I usually do by giving myself a pat on the back for not being tossed away, and then take my own advice to remember that it’s only fiction, it’s my chance to tell lies like a politician or a novelist. Some people might envy me the option to say whatever I want, remind me to be grateful that for now I am my own harshest critic, and that tomorrow is indeed another day.

Anne Animas lives, writes and hides out in Southern Colorado.

Filed Under: FICTION

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