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Boomer Humor

May 20, 2024 By admin

baby boomers at leisureYeah. It rhymes. But that’s not the best part. We’re quite self-deprecating when you examine the body of our work. The tricky part is knowing whether to laugh at our jokes or cringe.

Here’s an example; the first of many:

“Name a city that changed your life.”

“Wuhan.”

Get it? Of course you did. I don’t know why I even felt the need to ask.

Much of boomer humor can be found – where else, on Facebook, Instagram and Reddit.

Here’s a typical example:

vegan joke

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Or this:

what to say during sex

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Boomers don’t need pictures to get funny. Here’s some of their wordplay (behold the irony):

Behind every successful baby boomer zoom webinar there is an underpaid 24-year-old intern with a 115 wpm typing speed.

Boomer purgatory is the iOS emoji keyboard. Right now there are thousands of them trapped there, unable to send a picture they’ve taken of a computer screen to a person they met at a farmer’s market. 

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I’m sure of one thing: It will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

I haven’t gotten anything done today. I’ve been in the produce department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

So, you’ve been eating hot dogs and McChickens all your life, but you won’t take the vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it. Are you kidding me?

Coffee was just a dime in my time. Now it’s a whole lecture about beans and brewing.

Respect your parents. They graduated from high school before there was Google.

Well, I think a man who tells people he’s boss in his home will lie about other things too.

What’s the difference between a baby boomer and an avocado? One is a soft, wrinkly vegetable. The other one is an avocado.

I have convinced my grandma that the baby boomers are as dependent on technology as us. When she said ” you millenials are so addicted to technology,” I quickly glanced at her life support. That was the last time she said it.

If I had a dollar every time a baby boomer insulted me, I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

And this one got to me….seriously:

My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.

See? We can do funny.

Jay Harrison is a writer and creative consultant for DesignConcept. You can also visit his author page here. His newest mystery novel, Rio Puerco Demise is available on Amazon. His first mystery novel, Head Above Water, is also available on Amazon. But that’s not all – you can also purchase the Best of BoomSpeak on Amazon.

 

 

 

Filed Under: ESSAY

Hot Cha Cha Cha

May 20, 2024 By admin

shade to prevent sunstrokeWe’re finally at the point where everyone starts complaining about the heat. That means the weather is just how I like it.

I’ve lived in famous hot spots, including Southern California, Texas, Alabama, South Carolina and Egypt. The Sacramento area can get pretty toasty, but comparatively, it’s minor league.

However, this is the point where I must modify some of my golf protocols. I experienced heat exhaustion once playing golf in Texas. Heat exhaustion is no joke, so this is my official warning to be smart about hot weather.

My number one tip is when it really gets beastly, do everything in the morning. I hate getting up early these days, but sometimes you’ve got to do it. The good news is you get done early and have time for a nap!

It’s not that bad yet. First thing is to dig the windshield sun shade out of the rubble in the garage and put it in the car. I forgot last Friday, the first real hot day, and wowser, that steering wheel was hot when I finished my round. Also, crack open the windows a tiny bit for air flow.

Cell phones are another issue. I don’t take mine with me when I play because I find phones very annoying on the golf course, but I need to turn it off if I leave it in the car. My phone started to overheat on Friday and went into that mode where it starts shutting down apps.

And then there’s my rig. I have a nice pushcart with a solar umbrella and a cup holder for a big bottle of water. I put a couple more bottles of water in a cooler that straps on. Included in this luxury set-up is a “cool towel” and a battery-operated fan. Oh, and a spray bottle with water. Spray some water on your face and stand in front of the fan — it’s like outdoor air conditioning.

Finally, I need to make sure I actually drink all the water and supplement it with an electrolyte drink. If I’m a little dehydrated, I can get leg cramps at night. A fellow golfer taught me a trick that is quite odd but very effective! Eat a spoonful of yellow mustard. It’s like a miracle.

Donna Pekar is an aging badass (for real) who lives in California and writes Retirement Confidential.

Filed Under: ESSAY

The Last Thing I’m Looking for in Retirement – Dreams About Work

May 20, 2024 By admin

senior man swimming laps in poolFirst Dream: I’m back in the COO’s weekly meeting, taking the minutes and fading over my laptop (meetings put me to sleep even when I am asleep). Keys blur. Words crash into each other. I bite my lip to stay conscious, tilt over the side of my chair, and balance on one ass cheek.

The COO stands behind me, reading my screen, glowering. He says, “These minutes are supposed to be the sacred road map of our decision making. Look at that sentence. What I said was ‘I’m talking about a flagrant breach of etiquette.’ What you typed is ‘I’m walking along my favorite beach in Connecticut.’ Not only have you obliterated my meaning, but you’ve put me in swim trunks in Connecticut!”

“It’s a first draft. I’ll hone it,” I say.

The COO has discovered my secret: I don’t want to be in charge of words; I want them in charge of me. I’m useless to him now. I wake up, relieved to remember that I’ve already escaped.

The dream leaves me groggy. At the gym, I swim my laps. As I get out of the pool, the young woman sharing my swim lane says, “You swim pretty quick for a—” and catches herself. In the locker room, men in their eighties and nineties stagger around naked as if both proud and stunned to still be around. I admire them, although they remind me of how lucky I am not to be able to see my own ass.

Second Dream: I sit before the Head of HR. “The guard says you’ve been harassing him. Remember: HR stands for Hit and Run, and I can take you out in a heartbeat,” she says.

“All I say to the guard each morning is ‘How’s it going?’ Monday, he answers, ‘It’s Monday, that’s how’; Tuesday, ‘It’s going’; Wednesday, ‘Halfway there’; Thursday, ‘One more day’; Friday, ‘I made it.’”

“In other words, you’re murdering him, which is against company policy,” she says.

She is not a friend. I have to go. I wake up and ask myself, why are my dreams out to get me?

Douglas Collura lives in New York City

Filed Under: FICTION

Gray Divorce

April 29, 2024 By admin

senior marital disputeIt’s a thing. Boomers are getting divorced in large numbers. Sixteen million people aged 65 and older in the U.S. lived solo in 2022. That’s 3 times the number who did so in the 1960’s.

Remember when Tipper left Al Gore in 2010. We were shocked –– kind of. They had been married for 40 years. Bill and Melinda Gates? Justin and Sophie Trudeau? Yep, that’s a clear pattern. And it’s not some celebrity thing. Divorce rates for persons over 50 doubled between 1990 and 2010. Currently, one third of all divorces are people over 50.

The covid pandemic may have had some bearing as couples discovered they had different perspectives on vaccines, masking, and the politics of it all in general. Then there’s also unfaithfulness and other transgressions that can send a marriage south. The fact remains that these so called “silver splitters” just get to a place where they want to live apart, to fulfill their own goals untethered by a loveless union.

For many boomers, the option of remaining with a partner in a loveless or unhappy union represents a waste of what they hoped would be some of the best years of their lives. Many of these boomers are remaining single rather than jumping into new relationships and marriage. About 50 per cent remain alone several years after ending their marriages.

The number of single-person households headed by people over 75 is shooting up fast, and expected to number 14 million by 2038. Since most of these boomers show no interest in repartnering, there could be a real crisis in eldercare looming ahead. More often than not, the silver splitters are also splitting their nest eggs, cutting their savings by half. That can add significant pressure on their lifestyle and financial stability.

Not surprisingly, loneliness looms as one of the greatest disadvantages to living alone. Double duh!! Even if the financial situation is relatively stable, boomers going solo report that even when they make numerous social connections and build community involvement, it does not buffer them from a high degree of loneliness.

The trend is clearly going to continue but mental health experts, as well as financial planners, warn that the downsides can outweigh the upsides.

If you’ve contemplated splitting, you might want to heed the words/song by Eric Idle: Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.

Jay Harrison is a writer and creative consultant for DesignConcept. You can also visit his author page here. His newest mystery novel, Rio Puerco Demise is available on Amazon. His first mystery novel, Head Above Water, is also available on Amazon. But that’s not all – you can also purchase the Best of BoomSpeak on Amazon.

 

Filed Under: ESSAY

Airborne Contacts

April 29, 2024 By admin

row of airplane seatsSome people think airplane flights are only about going from place to place. But there’s the added value of enforced approximation with strangers you will never see again.

For example, once, when I was on my way to a health care conference, I found myself sitting next to a woman who had just that afternoon conducted an in-service on patient relations at our hospital. I, of course, recognized her but she didn’t recognize me. Interesting set-up—playing the random seatmate to a stranger who had just spent an hour telling us managers how to do our job…which, if you asked me, we were already doing pretty well. So, during the 30-minute flight to Chicago, I spoke for my fellow managers by getting her to repeat her lecture while inserting innocent sounding, challenging questions and comments. It’s always fun to ‘one up’ the out of town expert who presumes to know us and our work.

On another occasion there was a father and 10-year old son sitting in the same row as I. So, of course, I couldn’t help hear the two of them discussing a family situation. I tuned in more intensely when the boy complained that his dad was always making up rules and stuff. The father asked, “Like what?”

The boy went: “Like if I don’t clean up my room a portal will open and take me to another dimension.”

The father replied: “Well, that’s what happened to your older brother.”

The boy asked, “What brother? I don’t have an older brother.”

The father archly replied, “Exactly.”

I realized that sometimes, in the parent/child game, the parent has to use a trick or two to keep an edge.

Another time, long ago when the movie, Zorba the Greek, came out, I found myself sitting next to a woman from Athens. We chatted for a while until we came to the movie and what she thought of it. “It was fine,” she allowed “as far as it went. But it concentrated on very dark and negative elements. If you had read the book, you would know that Zorba was basically a positive life-force that balanced the evil and pain found in the story.” I read the book. She was right.

Sometimes flying in a cylindrical tube high above the earth helps us learn what is happening in the world below.

Retired trainer, and writing instructor, Joe Novara lives in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Writings include novels, short stories, a memoir and various poems, plays, anthologies and articles. Read more at https://freefloatingstories.wordpress.com/

Filed Under: ESSAY

Cell Phone Phobia

April 29, 2024 By admin

retro phone handsetI don’t do cell phone.

If you call me on my cell phone, I probably won’t answer. Usually the thing is on its charger way over in my bedroom, although I do carry it when driving or walking alone.

Physicians’ offices insist on using it to remind me of appointments, no matter how often I say “LANDLINE” to them. I have hearing loss (yes, I wear powerful hearing aids) and a tremor. Can’t hear on the dang cell phone, and can’t punch those teeny buttons reliably.
(Hearing on the phone: kids mumble and speak too fast, right?)

A friend, who is too old to qualify as a Boomer, *only* uses her cell phone, not her landline. She even uses it to look up things on the internet, then complains about how it “never tells me what I want to know.” I’ve tried looking up things on my cell phone, and she’s right. My computer works better for questions, because I can see my last question and modify it as needed.

Googling “what happens if you don’t use your cell phone” found many posts about how anxious people felt without it, then how wonderful they felt after they hadn’t used their cell phone for a few weeks.

“When I checked my screen time a few days ago, I was shocked to see that I was using my phone for an astonishing average of 8–10 hours a day, this is more than a 40 hour workweek. No wonder I felt like shit!”

OR

“The first 24 felt anxious. I was having trouble adjusting without a phone because I got bored doing nothing but walking and drawing. The next 24 hours I started feeling really anxious about how bored I was that I started distracting myself with all sorts of activities.”

On the other hand, I do spend too much time reading Twitter and Facebook on my computer. Us humans will do anything to keep from, well, being human.

Judith Pratt lives in Ithaca, NY

Filed Under: Uncategorized

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