When my daughter was growing up in the 1990s there was a game called, “WouldYou Rather?” wherein the players had to explain which of two (often gross or extreme) possibilities they would choose if forced to do so. I remember listening to my daughter and her friends giggle and smirk at each other’s choices. And I observed that their choices revealed the values, biases, and expectations of those young people. They were laying it all out on the table, metaphorically speaking.
Now, as an older adult with limited time and energy, that game comes to mind as I think about how to integrate people into my life, or not. To me, the German notion of Weltanschauung, meaning your conception of the universe and human life, is reflected in the numerous things people say, do and believe. These days, whether I am first meeting or reconnecting with someone, there are some blatant red flags that serve as turning points in my decisions about potential relationships:
- If too much time is spent on talking about afflictions and illnesses (the organ recital) –If I see a lot of mental instability, particularly in the display of anger and grievance, even if it isn’t directed at me
- If I pick up on racism or homophobia. Deal breaking comments include things like, “I don’t see color,” or “That’s reverse racism,” Or “I don’t understand why gay people have to do that.”
- If there is incessant talk about being controlled by the government, or speculation about conspiracies, or fear of so-called socialism.
Moreover, as I get to know people, I am paying attention to the subtle ways they show up in word and deed regarding these four questions:
Query #1: Why are people poor? The answer to this shows how much sensitivity they have to class differences, social privilege, and economic injustice.
Query #2: What has been your experience around immigrants? This one tells me whom they “see,” and whether they are compassionate and culturally attuned.
Query #3: How much should you tip servers? I’m noticing how generous and empathetic the person is, and whether or not those who serve are demeaned or objectified.
Query #4: How would you respond if someone called you a racist? This is a test of defensiveness, introspection, and the ability to listen. (If someone were to tell me that I seem racist, I would show concern and want to know what I said or did that made me come across that way.)
I don’t pose these questions specifically to people I meet, but I am listening for the answers in their conversation and behavior. What some people call politics, I call values. At my age, I choose to be around those who share my outlook on life, people, and the greater good.
Karen Beatty lives in New York City
