ESSAYS
Say You’re Sorry? – Oct 2014
You want an apology for what? For fannypacks? For disco? For Neil Diamond? Platform shoes? To millennials and GenXers who want to blame baby boomers for practically everything wrong in the world, I say give me a break!
Every generation has its stuff and not all of it was germinated by the participants themselves – you think a young baby boomer fashion designer came up with the white patent leather belt?
We were marketed to by our fine capitalist system and we often bought what they were selling. Hippies may have sewn the first bellbottom jeans, but the clothing industry jumped on the trend and soon a whole generation had to have those wild pants. Same goes for disco music, mood rings, lava lamps and pet rocks. We often ended buying what someone else was selling but that doesn’t make us responsible for the original sin.
So I say again, sorry for what? PBS is running a documentary program called The Boomer List in order to tell the story of the boomer generation through the lives of 19 iconic baby boomers. Check out some of the names on the list and tell me why we should be sorry. Samuel L. Jackson, Deepak Chopra, Billy Joel, Steve Wozniak, Amy Tan, Eve Ensler, Erin Brokovich. No slackers there.
If you want to pull out some kind of balance sheet with the good things on one side and the bad things on the other side, I am certain that the positive contributions of baby boomers such as those featured in The Boomer List would far outstrip the goofy stuff for which you could say we’re responsible.
History will be the final arbiter on the good/bad scale, but I think I can safely predict that baby boomers will be seen as a generation that had a profound and mostly positive impact on our world. So put that in your fannypack!
Jay Harrison is a graphic designer and writer whose work can be seen at DesignConcept. He’s written a mystery novel, which therefore makes him a pre-published author.
One Nation, Under All – Sept 2014
Underpants, panties, unders, underwear….whatever you call them, they are about to get a makeover. Our good friends at Proctor and Gamble (a test monitor and a high risk? I don’t get it.) will soon be unleashing $150 million worth of marketing for incontinence products according
to AdAge.
With brand names like Envive and Discreet, P&G is going to show us that the future is now, and the future is incontinence. We can hardly wait.
A whole gaggle of celebrities are already pitching incontinence products — our favorite stars (okay, I don’t know who some of them are – or care) Whoopi Goldberg, Kris Jenner, Marie Osmond, Lisa Rinna, and Kirstie Alley. This must be the baby boomer encore career that people keep talking about! It’s hard to gauge which is worse – the onset of incontinence or the idiotic celebrity ads that are designed to get us to buy the products.
I’m all for frank discussions of some of the ailments boomers are going to face in their later years, but I’m guessing that this onslaught of TV and social media prompts is going to get real annoying, real fast. I doubt that the fact that we are “sharing” our incontinence with the stars we/some of us have come to know and love make the realization that we need these products any less “uncomfortable.” Following the Tweets of Marie Osmond when she shares that she just peed in her pants but it’s OK — she has on a pair of PeeStoppers — that’s going to make us all feel better about ourselves.
There’s sharing and then there’s oversharing. If P&G is really going to spend $150 million for incontinence product ads and social media, then it’s a good bet there will be a lot of oversharing. How can a celebrity endorsement make us feel better that we’re losing control of a basic bodily function? Can’t. That’s the short answer. The slightly longer answer is that I don’t care who else is incontinent. I just hope it isn’t me or that it’s many years off. The ailment is embarrassing enough without having to watch famous people embarrass themselves.
Jay Harrison is a graphic designer and writer whose work can be seen at DesignConcept. He’s written a mystery novel, which therefore makes him a pre-published author.
Facebook Ruined! – August 2014
And I’ll give you three guesses who ruined it, and the first two guesses won’t count. Baby boomers is the correct answer, no more calls!
So this is old news right? Of course baby boomers ruined Facebook. Teenagers were all over it and then those creepy boomer stalkers had to get on Facebook to find our what their kids were up to, and now you can’t swing an internet cat without smacking into a cluster of obnoxious boomers. They’ve turned a good thing into a giant high school reunion suckhole.
So….if that’s the conventional wisdom of what happened, how about giving us some cred for making Zuckerberg the 16th richest guy in the world. The freakin’ world!! He may never catch up to Bill Gates, but it took Bill a lot more time to get to the top of the pile.
What is social media if it isn’t meant to be social? Did boomers ruin Facebook or was it already passé in the wake of Snapchat, WhatsApp, WeChat, Instagram, Vine and Yo? Maybe Facebook was ready for the takedown that every popular app must face eventually. They should really put a SELL BY DATE on every new app!
But back to Facebook. If millennials are steamed about the app being highjacked by their parents, they are missing out on the fun. Now that they have moved on to other social media apps, they should enjoy stalking their parents who have as much concept of privacy as their kids used to have. You want the ultimate voyeuristic experience, go on Facebook and check out the pages of other baby boomers you may know. It’s unfiltered chaos! They are still letting it all hang out, just like back in the day. Boomers are over-sharing on just about any topic….food, travel, politics…we’ll tell you everything. We’re an open book. Make that Open Facebook.
So Facebook is done. Stick a fork in it and leave the baby boomers alone. Find a new app. Maybe you’ll like that one where you just send friends the message – Yo. Is someone really making money by getting people to download an app that sends out Yo’s? Couldn’t you just do that with an email or a text? Oh, but Yo does it faster. That makes sense.
If your kids are mad at you for effing up Facebook, tell them to get over it. And tell them to invent a new app as idiotic as Yo so that they can pay your assisted living expenses.
Jay Harrison is a graphic designer and writer whose work can be seen at DesignConcept. He’s written a mystery novel, which therefore makes him a pre-published author.
The Dating Game – August 2014
Wendy Wohler was from New Boston, Ohio, across the city limits east of my hometown, Portsmouth. Wendy and I had one date together, the summer after high school.
I was living at home in the summer of 1965. My partner in crime was Frank White. He drove a 1955 four-door Chrysler, the Black Rat. He was dating Judy Briggs, from New Boston, friend of Wendy.
Frank’s diabolical plan: I was to talk my parents into cooking a formal Saturday evening dinner for two couples, Frank and Judy, Greg and Wendy. Chuck and Marge agreed to help us. That Saturday afternoon, Frank and I drove north out of Portsmouth to the Holiday Inn. We paid for one night in Room 231, two queen size beds.
The evening began with the four of us sitting on the couches in my parents’ living room. The girls wore cocktail dresses, the boys wore sport coats. My father’s assignment was to make daiquiris.
There were four glasses on the coffee table. Chuck entered the room wearing a white sport coat, white tuxedo shirt and black slacks. He had a bar towel draped over his left forearm. In his right hand he carried a pitcher full of daiquiris, the second go-around. He and Marge drank the first batch while Frank and I picked up the girls in New Boston.
My father was tipsy. He poured Wendy’s drink and forgot to stop pouring. Booze and crushed ice flowed across the coffee table. His bar towel fell short and three more towels were called into action. Chuck left the room and made his third batch of daiquiris.
The four of us sat at the dining room table. Chuck lit the candles. My mother served a rich vegetable soup, salad, au gratin potatoes and prime rib. Marge was wearing her faded blue bathrobe and her hair was up in curlers.
We had a small swimming pool in the back yard, 8×16, heated. At dark, in the pool, all lights off, Frank put the moves on Judy and I put the moves on Wendy. The boys didn’t get very far and the mood remained playful.
Frank and I announced that we had a surprise waiting. We got dressed and the four of us drove around town, teasing and laughing. Frank turned onto Route 23 and drove north to the Holiday Inn. We pulled up in the Chrysler and parked in a space just below Room 231. Politely but adamantly, the girls went ballistic and demanded that we take them home.
That night Frank and I lay in our beds in Room 231, watching TV and drinking Jim Beam straight from the bottle.
In 1965, a high school girl with a male in a motel room was a huge no-no. That indiscretion was a one-way ticket to a ruined reputation.
I like to look back at the lengths we boys went to… to get the girls to do what we wanted.
Greg Leichner won the First Annual (1995) Rocky Mountain Artists/Eccentric Book Competition for his 15-postcard series, Citizens For A Poodle-Free Montana. There’s a t-shirt to prove it.
Everybody Looks Familiar – July 2014
At a certain point, everybody looks familiar
In the course of a typical day, I will wander back and forth or run to this bank or that one, there to pay a bill or (¡ojalá!) make an actual deposit.
Along the way I will see, and nod at, a great many men and women.
It wouldn’t do to walk past someone with whom one is acquainted and ignore them entirely; that would be rude.
The problem is that in strolling quickly I really can’t stop to scrutinize the faces of passers by and see if I really do know them. I would probably be arrested if I tried. Or slugged. So, rather than commit a serious social blunder, I nod courteously to anyone who looks familiar.
Problem is, these days, just about everyone looks familiar.
There are probably multiple reasons for this. One can’t help but see many of the same people day in and day out when one works in the same place for long. And, of course, with the passage of so much time, I have become acquainted with more and more people each year. By this time, of course, many are dying off — but there are more than enough new acquaintances to take their places.
Also, although the Irish are no longer dominant in most Chicago demographics, there are still a lot of us working in the Loop. Many of the Chicago Irish hail from a handful of villages in County Mayo, God help us, and we’re pretty much all related somehow. And genetics is funny: Your good friend’s fourth cousin twice removed may look an awful lot like your your good friend, at least at a distance, even if the two of them have never met.
But the biggest single reason that so many people look familiar to me is that, with each passing year, my eyesight gets worse and worse. Everyone has started to look the same — in a blurry sort of way — even when I wear my glasses.
I remember when I first realized this. I was in a Costco a few years back and I saw someone that — from a distance at least — looked like someone I knew from court. I put on my best lodge brother face and strode forward to greet this person only to realize, as I closed in, that this wasn’t who I thought it was at all.
“You don’t have the first clue who I am, do you?” said my quarry.
“No. Sorry. I thought you were someone else.”
“It happens.”
And it does — to me at least — more and more.
So, these days, I just nod and keep going, my purposeful stride discouraging any embarrassing conversations of the type I had that day in Costco.
But I notice, too, that, these days, a lot of people nod back. So I don’t think I’m alone in this….
Curmudgeon is a self-described dinosaur — an Ozzie and Harriet person living in an Ozzy and Sharon world. And sometimes it confuses the heck out of him. He writes a very amusing blog at Second Effort.
Time Shifters – July 2014
There was a time when advertising reflected the nostalgia of our demographic and all was well in the kingdom of baby boomers. Maybe you’ve already noticed, but our nostalgia ain’t what it used to be. Someone has pushed up the timeline for what’s considered nostalgic and it’s going to be an adjustment for aging boomers.
You can still hear some soundtracks from our youth, whether it’s the Kinks hawking yogurt (All Day and All of the Night), the Ronettes’ Be My Baby standing up for erectile drugs, or Shake Your Booty (KC and the Sunshine Band) for Fidelity Investments. You gotta like the nerve of Burger King using Walk of Life (Dire Straits) to sell fast food. Or Google using Hall and Oates’ Maneater. Car Wash Blues for Delta Faucets? But for a real leap back in time, Nationwide used Love Is Strange (Mickey and Sylvia).
But if you listen closely, the music used to target a generation has shifted forward to sounds of the late 70s, 80s and 90s. And to another generation other than ours. Auto Trader is using the stars of the Dukes of Hazzard. Budweiser is using What I Like About You. Swiffer used Devo’s Whip It (Whip It Good). Cadillac used Stacey’s Mom (Fountains of Wayne) to sell Escalades….this is the one where the Dads in the school drop-off lane are either ogling the mom or the car, or both. The crazy pistachios ads have used many songs but went straight to new material when they utilized Psy’s Gangman Style. But the prize for tapping the most current music scene for its commercials has to go to Volkswagon. From artists such as The Jesus and Mary Chain (Just Like Honey) and Wave Machine (Keep the Lights On), VW seems to have a knack for finding the newest songs to hook you into their message. And as a bonus, it must be cheaper to use not-yet-famous artists.
It was fun to hear the soundtrack of our youth when we watched a car commercial, but things change, and we might have to get used to being left out of the musical mix. Maybe the occasional adult diaper ad will hit a familiar note (the Beatles – Don’t Let Me Down?).
Looks like what we called nostalgia is soon going to be relegated to just plain old stuff for old people. And where’s the romance in that?
Jay Harrison is a graphic designer and writer whose work can be seen at DesignConcept. He’s written a mystery novel, which therefore makes him a pre-published author.
You Dig? – June 2014
I mean are you interested in digging your own grave, and not figuratively. I’m talking literally. There’s a green trend that is gaining popularity when it comes to dying. At least when it comes to how to dispose of your body.
Eco-conscious boomers are looking at ways to be more environmentally sensitive in the afterlife (or wherever they plan to reside). Certified green cemeteries are promising boomers a place where mowing, fertilizing and the use of pesticides are banned. Likewise, metal caskets and concrete vaults are not used, as they emit carbon. The burial grounds themselves are maintained as permanent protected areas (sans wildlife one would hope). And get this – some cemeteries have no grave markers to mar the scenery. You get GPS coordinates to find your loved one. Seriously.
You would think cremation would be the most environmentally conscious choice, but some of these green cemeteries are concerned about the burning of fossil fuels.
Yikes! Where can a guy go to die in peace?
There’s even a movement to dig your own grave. Not YOU! You’re DEAD. I mean your family can dig the grave for you. Many find it to be a cathartic experience. I’m thinking that depending on the time of year, it could be hot, sweaty and raise callouses on your hands.
Is this just another case of baby boomers taking their principled stands with them (e.g. who says you can’t take it with you?) or is this a larger trend that every generation is going to embrace? If you care about our planet and you believe that global warming is fact rather than fiction, than a “green” death is not over the top. Top, get it? We won’t be on top of anything.
Let’s agree right here, right now, to not blame boomers for the greening of death. The fact is the planet is getting crowded, so from a practical standpoint, we need to look at ways in which the dead will not be crowding out the living.
Get aboard the new mantra: It’s so mean, to not die green.
Jay Harrison is a graphic designer and writer whose work can be seen at DesignConcept. He’s written a mystery novel, which therefore makes him a pre-published author.
Seriously? Roommates? – June 2014
Remember the show Golden Girls? Housing experts predict that it’s coming back – for real. What happens when aging boomers run low on cheddar (sorry – too much Breaking Bad – I meant money)? If they are single adults, they will start looking for roommates to lower their living expenses. The theory being that 3 or 4 Social Security checks combined will go a lot further, as will the weekly groceries.
There are already groups set up to help boomers find each other and more are organizing every day. Affordable Living for the Aging reports that about 130,000 senior-partnership households already exist and that number is expected to increase rapidly.
And we’re not talking about adult partners who are shacking up (the forerunner of hooking up). We’re talking about adults with no familial or romantic connection. It’s a pure “shared economy” arrangement where roommates contribute something valuable to the deal. Maybe you own a house but are cash-strapped. The roommate can buy the groceries and help with the utility bills, or drive you to doctor appointments, or whatever, all in exchange for a rent-free roof over their heads. You put 3 or 4 roommates under one roof and you really have some economy of scale.
And it sure beats living in a refrigerator box. When you look at the statistics about how little money some boomers have put away for retirement, it makes you think that homelessness among the aging could grow into a massive scale problem. Roommate exchanges offers a far better prospect than seeing homeless seniors living rough.
By 2030, 1 in 5 Americans will be a senior (over 65). Rather than stacking seniors up like cordwood in warehouse-style housing, the roommate plan could be a bright spot in an otherwise dismal formula for end-of-life housing. Is having one or more roommates the ideal, dream scenario, the arrangement that each of us always dreamed of? Not really, not even close. But it beats a lot of dreadful alternatives that one could imagine.
And think of all the great sit-com potential that could come from it. Everyone loves cranky seniors (spitfires, if you please). It could be like the show Friends, but with old people. You could be Monica and I could be Joey!
Jay Harrison is a graphic designer and writer whose work can be seen at DesignConcept. He’s written a mystery novel, which therefore makes him a pre-published author.
Silver Cribs – June 2014
If you’ve ever watched the TV show Cribs (it’s on MTV, and if that’s not a good reason to miss it, I don’t know what is), you get to see how the other half (or 1% anyway) lives. Do I want to know how rich athletes, rappers, actors, wrestlers, sextape participants and various miscreants live? HELL NO!
I’m a little more focused on how I’m living and will continue to live in the fast looming future. And it turns out that Better Homes and Gardens Real Estate was also curious, so they conducted a survey. Now I picture you panting with anticipation, so here goes….your future awaits.
39% of boomers surveyed want to retire to small towns and farms, 27% prefer retirement communities, 26% want urban centers, and 8% picked “lifestyle” communities (which apparently has something to do with golf). If this doesn’t add up to 100%, blame Better Homes, not me.
These stats are somewhat confusing when 4 out of 10 of the same respondents say they plan to stay in their current homes in retirement. And if they do move, it won’t be far. Seventy-two percent are going to remain in the same state where they currently reside.
And bad news for elderly parents or kids…83 percent of boomer respondents plan to ditch any family members who are trying to mooch off them. There are no multi-generational abodes in their future. What they do want is diversity. Age-restricted communities are falling out of favor for their lack of variety. Boomers don’t want to be around a lot of other older people who remind them that they are old as well. So they like the idea of being around younger people, just not their own offspring.
About two-thirds of these boomers plan to renovate their current homes to accommodate future needs. I guess that’s really great news for the makers of stair lifts and walk-in tubs. Also high on the list of wants is low-maintenance. Boomers are looking for what’s known as “lock and leave” homes. We got places to go and things to do. We can’t be cleaning gutters, mowing the lawn, and painting the garage.
It occurs to me that surveys like this one bring out the wishful thinking in people. Boomers say this is what they want, but the reality may turn out to be quite different. But who wants to think that we’re going to end up warehoused in some shoebox apartment with a bunch of other bitter boomers. Wait…that’s the next Cribs concept for MTV. Old people in boxes! No more calls, we have a winner.
Jay Harrison is a graphic designer and writer whose work can be seen at DesignConcept. He’s written a mystery novel, which therefore makes him a pre-published author.
Toothpaste — Out of Control! – May 2014
Gone into a supermarket to purchase toothpaste lately? Good luck. If you know your brand and type you might get out of the dental products aisle in less than 10 minutes. Even if you do know your brand and type, it’s a devilish task to find it. Colgate alone has more than 40 variations….some whiten, some don’t, some protect enamel, some don’t, some have baking soda and peroxide, some don’t, some have tartar protection, some don’t. Then there’s the whole flavor spectrum to deal with — crystal mint, clean mint, cool mint, original (what the hell is that?) etc. Do you favor gel or paste? And let’s not get started on the package sizes.
Something has gone wrong with toothpaste merchandising, that’s obvious. It should not be that hard to choose a brand and type. The manufacturers (all of them, Crest, Colgate, Arm and Hammer, etc.) all play the game and the goal is to totally bewilder the consumer, and on that front, they have achieved total victory. According to some estimates there are around 350 distinct types and sizes of toothpaste available for retail sale.
Pricing too is insane. A 4.5 ounce tube can cost as much as 6 ounce tube and you have this suspicion that toothpaste has a lot in common with lipstick. It’s cheap to produce and expensive to market. Supposedly, Colgate and Crest control 70% of the market but they spend millions on advertising non-stop to hold on to that brand loyalty. So the ingredients and packaging may account for 10% of the costs with the rest going to marketing. As I said, it may be a lot like lipstick.
Dentists will tell you to just make sure it has the ADA seal and contains fluoride to help prevent decay and subsequent cavities. Some take it a step further and tell you to stay away from whitening products that they deem not very beneficial, borderline harmful.
My latest idea is to take a photo of the toothpaste package at home with my smartphone so that I can try to find the same package on the shelf. It beats coming home with a new brand/type that you did not intend to purchase. Supposedly, the manufacturers know that they have too many brand variations and they are trying to scale back the options to curtail some of the sensory overload that consumers get in the toothpaste aisle. I haven’t seen any improvement at our grocery store, but I can only hope that it gets easier. Otherwise I’m considering converting to the chew stick. It’s cheap, you don’t need toothpaste, and it combats bad breath. Oh yeah, and you can grow your own chew stick tree and never visit the toothpaste aisle again.
Jay Harrison is a graphic designer and writer whose work can be seen at DesignConcept. He’s written a mystery novel, which therefore makes him a pre-published author.
Worker Bees – May 2014
My Sweet Irreplaceable You
Final score….73 to 48. That’s 73 million baby boomers and 48 million GenXers. If all the baby boomers left the labor market at the same time, the American economy could not sustain itself.
Wow! Makes you want to quit tomorrow if it weren’t for the negative consequences. But seriously, this is serious. It’s not a question of experience or competence, it’s just plain arithmetic. As large numbers of boomers leave the workforce, there are not enough employees to take their place.
Employers may have to reach down to the farm team level to tap Gen Yers (born between 1980 and 2000), but there’s a big concern about whether they are ready and whether their work culture will clash big time with the remaining boomers.
While boomers are typically obsessed with their work, Gen Yers generally seek a greater balance between work and life interests. Often characterized as high performance and high maintenance, they lack the experience of even Gen Xers. Bottom line, the Yers will have a tough time filling the shoes of the more seasoned baby boomers.
Experts are telling employers that the next 10 years could be a very rocky road if they are unable to hold onto the talent they already have. The successful businesses will find a way to keep employees engaged and committed to the company’s goals, but after years of downsizing and merger-acquisition frenzies, that’s easier said than done. Plus, the burgeoning start-ups are looking to poach the Gen Xer talent from more established businesses, making the remaining baby boomers even more valuable workers.
Articles about boomers staying on the job well past conventional retirement age are now a weekly staple. Just recently I read about an 81 year-old bartender and an 82 year-old waiter working at the same restaurant. They didn’t want to sit around at home and get fat and they liked coming to work, even if it was only part-time. Youthful workers at the other end of the spectrum just don’t see it that way, and if you think that’s not your problem, remember, we need them to cover our social security benefits.
In any case, I’m beginning to feel a little bit like Sally Field when she accepted her Oscar. “You like me. You really like me.”
Jay Harrison is a graphic designer and writer whose work can be seen at DesignConcept. He’s written a mystery novel, which therefore makes him a pre-published author.
Tattoos – April 2014
I blog, therefore I am.
Or, I am as I blog.
Pedantic philosophy or narrative theory,
take your pick.
Pick as well from a plethora of topics, since my curiosity–
and my opinions—are endless.
I’d have this tattooed on my inner arm…or maybe my wrist.
If I was the 22 year old today that I was back in the day, I absolutely would have tattoos. Not sleeves or twee ones like flowers and angels. Being that words are my métier, I would have sayings and quotes and hyroglyphic symbols. Because that’s the kind of 22 year old I was back in the day.
I had the shortest skirts, the wildest shoes and I brought Carnaby Street, or at least my vision of it, to the much more prosaic streets of Pittsburgh Pennsylvania. I thrived on pushing the envelope–and got in trouble a lot for doing so.
In college, I was on academic probation a lot (again). My idea of studying for an exam was to take uppers and pull an all-nighter memorizing someone else’s notes. It had to be someone else’s notes because even when I was in class, I was somewhere else in my mind.
Was I a bad kid? No.
I didn’t do drugs (okay, there was that brief experimentation with marijuana which ended badly). I always threw up before I got too drunk (someone named me the IBM machine because I would drink beer until I couldn’t drink anymore, go to the ladies room, throw up, and return to drink some more). And I lost my virginity at 18 to the boy I then married at 23.
Still, I was often the bane of my mother’s existence. Her first daughter had been mild and shy and obedient so she wasn’t prepared for the likes of outspoken, adventurous, don’t-tell-me-I-can’t-unless-you-want-to-insure-I-will me.
I think of all the trouble I could get into today if I was 22, and I wonder if I would push the envelope as much, seeing as that envelope is so much larger. I probably would, but maybe the inherently nice girl my mother raised would protect me from a Lindsay Lohan life. Even at 22, there were certain avenues I didn’t venture down. I had a friend called Ricka, an artist, who was maybe a year older than I and light years more experienced. When I was with Ricka, I got a taste of the wild Bohemian life and, frankly, it scared me.
Thinking about that now, knowing what I do about myself, I see that my wild acts were born of curiosity and daring, not of an urge for self-destruction. I never wanted to go too far over the edge to where I couldn’t get back. I wanted to be bad-ish, but not dead.
Jane Gassner authors Beyond MidLifeBloggers: The Other Side of Sixty, where she connects to all parts of herself: writer, editor, teacher, curator, innovator.
Oh Crap. We’re Quaint – April 2014
Or at least millennials and maybe your own children are starting to look at you that way. It’s not quite on the order of the “I had to walk barefoot 3 miles to school” syndrome, but it’s close.
Dare you to mention that you used to play records on a turntable, the wild-eyed stares come out. Sure, we now get our music from iTunes and listen to it with earbuds on our smartphones or tablets, but tell me you’ve forgotten playing 45s on a record player — maybe with one of those plastic inserts so that it would fit on a 33rpm spindle. Am I right? You do remember? You’re still going to deny it?
As they say in the infomercials, “But that’s not all!” If you’re going to get into the wayback machine (thanks Mr. Peabody), how about 8-tracks and cassettes. How can you forget them, never mind explain them to someone younger than age 20?
Just to keep this game going a little longer, try to remember what telephones used to look like. Ugly black cords that lost their springiness, clear plastic disks for rotary dialing, and analog bases that look totally ridiculous when you put them side by side with a contemporary cordless handset or a smartphone.
Now we take photographs on our smartphones and see them instantly. But there was a time when instant photographs meant getting out the Polaroid camera and loading film that had its own chemistry set built into the box. Just wait 60 seconds, and shazzam, you’ve got a crude, oddly tinted photograph. The 60 second miracle it was called in a flash of marketing hyperbole. And by the way, it may startle you to know that it was invented 67 years ago!
I’m typing this on a wireless keyboard connected to a powerful computer while viewing the text on a cinema screen. A great leap forward from my Radio Shack TRS-80 Model 200 (fondly referred to as the Trash 80). We actually connected it via a 28pin ribbon cable to a Royal typewriter when we wanted to print something. Amazing! Speaking of typewriters, who doesn’t have fond memories of watching that crazy ball jump around on an IBM Selectric?
So yes, this walk down memory lane certifies that baby boomers are getting pretty darn quaint. If you find yourself using phrases such as “in my day” or “back in the day,” then you’re beyond quaint. My advice is to just shut up about all these analog devices and jump on the next train to app town – wherever it’s going.
Jay Harrison is a graphic designer and writer whose work can be seen at DesignConcept. He’s written a mystery novel, which therefore makes him a pre-published author.
How About Never? Is Never Good for You? –
March 2014
Nearly half of all baby boomers say they don’t expect to retire until age 66, or even later. But the stat that got my attention was that 1 in 10 say they will never retire. NEVER. You hear me, I’m NEVER going to retire. Going from the desk or wherever right to the grave.
Is it just about the money, or is something else going on here? No question, many boomers feel like they must keep working to boost their retirement income, but other boomers just want to stay engaged with the world and that means staying on the job. I get that. Most retirees that I know are treating retirement like a job. They have lists of things to do, projects to get done, and places to go. Not much golfing or shuffleboarding there, unlike their parents. The whole notion of what to do in retirement has been turned upside down.
And if I read one more article about how boomers can start their own business to work from home (or even while they travel the world!!), I’ll shoot myself. They make it sound so easy. Pick a skill or a service and off you go. It’s NOT that easy and that’s why smart boomers who can stay on the job are doing just that.
Will employers and customers recognize the value of baby boomer experience and talent? That’s the big question. Younger workers have much to offer with their enthusiasm and technical knowledge, but the maturity and wisdom of a highly engaged boomer who’s truly motivated to stay on the job should make them just as valuable, if not more so.
Bottom line, we’re going to try to keep our jobs, so employers, clients and customers might as well capitalize on what we’re offering. Putting workers out to pasture at age 60 or 62 is so old school. The world doesn’t work that way anymore and the news stories about aged 60+ individuals achieving fame for late-life achievements just goes to prove that there are many attractive options to retirement.
It’s time for us all to get used to seeing aged 70+ workers still pulling their weight and making a valuable contribution in the workplace. And don’t be surprised when you ask them when they’re going to retire, they are still insisting on NEVER.
Jay Harrison is a graphic designer and writer whose work can be seen at DesignConcept. He’s written a mystery novel, which therefore makes him a pre-published author.
Maaarvelous! – Feb 2014
It is better to look good than to feel good….and can I tell you something? You look maaarvelous!!
So said Billy Crystal in his Fernando Llamas persona.
And guess what? It’s become the mantra for aging boomers as well. We don’t mind taking the senior discount at the car rental counter or the museum ticket box office, we just don’t want to look like we’re seniors. We want to look maaarvelous!
The nicest thing waitstaff can say (and the smartest if they want a big tip) is “you don’t look like a senior.” No we don’t. And that’s because we’re spending night and day (plus a lot of dollars) doing whatever it takes to look younger.
We exercise, dye the hair, get dermabrasions (ouch, ouch), replace knees, sign up for brain training programs, get lasik eye surgery, eat healthier, try hormone replacement, take yoga classes, and meditate. We jump on every new social media app, as though being connected with younger users will make us feel younger (it doesn’t). Whatever it takes – sign us up.
In that respect, we’re nothing at all like our parents. They did not try to hold off the aging process. They accepted it gracefully, along with the gold watch and the shuffleboard court. Very few of them fought the good fight. Hair went gray and stayed that way. The beer bellies sagged and no one cared much about trying to arrest their failing health. It was all part of the inevitable march toward the end game of life.
Well boomers are having none of it. It’s just not good enough to age well, we insist on a full-court push-back of the aging process. The good news for our economy is that an entire anti-aging industry has sprung up to cater to baby boomers. Some of them are scammers and some can actually do us harm, but there are plenty of entrepreneurs who want to help us fight off old age.
Once again, the boomer generation is in the vanguard of a movement to change our notion of aging. Whether it’s remaining sexually active well into the 80s or continuing to work well beyond the conventional age for retirement, we are determined to redefine what it means to grow older.
Can I tell you something? We look maaarvelous! And you know who you are!
Jay Harrison is a graphic designer and writer whose work can be seen at DesignConcept. He’s written a mystery novel, which therefore makes him a pre-published author.
Gray What? – Feb 2014
You know it’s trouble when they have a catchy name for it. I’m talking about “gray divorce” and that means over-50 marital splits. Apparently, divorce among the 50 and over crowd has doubled from 1990 to 2010. Must have been a rough decade. But the trend continues.
What accounts for this development? Get in line to spout your own theory: boomer self-centeredness? Sick and tired of your spouse? Endured a bad marriage long enough? Hanging on to your youthfulness? Whatever the reason, divorced boomers face an upside and a downside. The upside is the opportunity to stake out a new life, create new friendships, pursue new hobbies and interests, etc. The downside is when you split all the assets, someone gets the short end of the stick and both have less retirement income that can be shared. Being partnerless can make health issues more challenging as well.
And despite the fact that they often come out on the short end of the stick asset-wise, boomer women are more apt to initiate divorce than boomer men. The easy assumption there is that the men don’t want to give up an arrangement where someone cooks and cleans for them. But the truth may be that women are much less tolerant of an unfulfilling/bad relationship.
Some have speculated that boomers are divorce prone because we continue to invent ourselves and thus reinvent the institution of marriage. We changed premarital sex, we changed birth control, we expanded our sexual repertoire, and we made divorce acceptable, so it stands to reason we’re reinventing late-life marital options, and divorce is on top of that list.
It has also been said that our sense of duty (in sickness and in health, til death do us part?) and confidence in the sanctity of marriage is just not the same as what our parents expectations were. To that we say, whatever!
So in the end, the choice is self-fulfillment or loyalty. Tough choice. Especially when you were raised to think anything is possible and when you see something you want, go for it. If I were a demographer, I would be betting that we will be seeing a lot more single baby boomers in our future.
Jay Harrison is a graphic designer and writer whose work can be seen at DesignConcept. He’s written a mystery novel, which therefore makes him a pre-published author.
10 Rules of Spectacular Failure – Jan 2014
Sure, you’ve got innumerable options to learn how to succeed in your professional life. But is anyone teaching you how to be a spectacular failure? I don’t think so.
Failure has become a lost art. Why, if it weren’t for Congress’ fine example, we might have not even have a role model for abject failure.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. I can teach you how to be a successful failure. If you follow my 10 Rules of Spectacular Failure, I can practically guarantee you’ll end up unsuccessful, disappointed and lonely. And if you never bathe, you’ll smell bad, too.
So, if a lack of success and accomplishment sounds like a good career move to you, read on. Discover how the secrets of showing up late, banal thinking and lack of courage can lead to your utter downfall.
1. Give up.
It was recently discovered Abe Lincoln was born in a log cabin made entirely of Lincoln Logs
This is the easiest Rule to master. There’s so little to do. Just give up. No matter how easy or hard the challenge, you just need a “That’s it, I quit” attitude. It may help to remember the motto of those who never made it to the top: “When the going gets tough, get the hell out of there fast!”
2. Listen to others.
This one’s a little tricky. When others tell you you’ll never succeed, you may hear a voice inside your head that says, “Go on. Give it a shot. What have we got to lose?” Ignore the voice or you’ll end up like Walter Elias Disney, a newspaperman from Chicago.
Walt Disney was fired as a newspaper editor because he was told he “lacked imagination and had no good ideas.”
3. Believe you can’t.
If you want to be a successful failure, you’re going to have to ignore any signs of self-confidence. Cover over any potential you have with self-doubt, negativity and denial.
I’m warning you, if you don’t follow my advice, you could end up like little Albert from Ulm, Germany. Albert didn’t speak until he was four and he couldn’t read until he was seven.
When the world’s greatest scientists couldn’t understand Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, he reportedly stuck out his tongue out and said, “Na na na boo boo!”
4. Be afraid of failing.
Here’s a surefire way to become a failure. Just be afraid to fail. Let the challenge scare you so much, you give up and give in. Ignore the advice of media and motivational guru Seth Godin who said, “Failure isn’t fatal. You’ve got to fail to succeed.”
Henry Ford was a spectacular failure for much of his life. At 15, he dropped out of school and became a farmer. He failed at that and became a mechanic. He failed at that and started repairing clocks and watches. He failed at that and went back to farming. Even when he tried to invent a “horseless carriage,” he failed time and again, at one point losing all his investors’ money without producing a car.
5. Don’t be curious
Studies have shown that successful people seem to be curious about the world around them. They ask a lot of questions and explore everything. They love learning and live in a state of wonder, surprise and delight.
Conversely, many people who fail are not that interested in discovering or exploring all the world has to offer. So avoid exposure to new people, places and things, and find nothing that inspires you, and with any luck at all you’ll fall flat on your face and never be heard from again.
6. Be too old to succeed.
If you’re 50 or above, why not just admit your productive working days are over. They’re kaput. Finito! Stick a fork in you, you’re done! Use your time to complain about those young whippersnappers who have texted your career into oblivion and get in line early for the 4 p.m. blue plate special.
At the age of 40, Colonel Harland Sanders cooked chicken dishes for people who stopped at his little service station in Corbin, Kentucky. Fifteen years later, that business failed too when Interstate 95 rerouted traffic. Did Sanders give up? Was he too old to succeed? Nope, at age 64, he took his secret recipe for “finger-lickin’ chicken” and, with a $105 check he had from Social Security, he started selling franchises in Kentucky Fried Chicken.
7. Don’t stretch your limits.
Why challenge yourself? If you want to fail, just accept the hand nature has dealt you. If you continually challenge yourself, you’re liable to succeed in spite of yourself. The world is full of successful people who refused to follow this sage advice.
Michael Jordan gave up Knock Hockey to become one of the greatest basketball players of all time.
Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team because of a lack of athletic talent.
8. Let a disability hold you back.
Nobody’s perfect, but many people suffer from severe disabilities that should, for all intents and purposes, threaten their ability to succeed. If you’ve got a physical or mental illness, no one would blame you for giving in and giving up.
Alexander Graham Bell had a learning disability, Cher has dyslexia, President Franklin Roosevelt had polio and Ludwig Van Beethoven was deaf in the latter part of his life.
9. Be the problem. Not the solution.
A lot of people have mastered this Rule. You probably work with some of them. You know the type. They bitch and complain all day long, but never offer up a suggested solution. What a perfect way to fail.
If you want to fail and see others fail around you, identify the problem, complain out it, then do absolutely nothing to solve it.
10. Oh, Damn! I’ve failed to come up with the 10th Rule of Spectacular Failure.
What can I say? Sure, I wanted to come up with 10 Rules of Spectacular Failure, but I just gave up. Anyway, it’s not my fault, it’s somebody else’s. It was too hard, too difficult and I just didn’t think I had what it takes to get the job done. Besides some people told me I’d never come up with Rule #10. Guess I proved them right. At least I’m successful at something.
Jack Goldenberg is a prolific Copywriter, innovative Creative Director and consummate, strategic marketer. Read his blog at 10 minutes of brilliance. With all he’s done, he still believes his best efforts are ahead of him.
That Guy – Jan 2014
I was “that guy” as in, “look at that guy. What a jerk!”
You know, when you’re driving, and the sign says left lane closed ahead? You can count on “that guy” staying in the left lane — maybe even moving into it because “that guy” is sooooooooo much more important than you are. As “that guy” passes you, you say something like, “That guy thinks he can just zoom past everyone waiting in line and cut right in — the #$%@!!”
Well… this morning… not too far from my house… after dropping Long Suffering Spouse off at school, I had to head for the Kennedy, planning to jump on the Tollway and head out to court in Geneva.
It’s a hike, but I had plenty of time… I thought. I knew there was construction at Cumberland and Higgins. They’re rebuilding Cumberland where it crosses the Kennedy and there have been various lane closures in the vicinity — and consequently slowed traffic — on the few recent occasions I’ve had to head that way. I had to turn left from Higgins onto Cumberland.
So, yes, the sign said left lane closed ahead, but I figured, well, that must be the left lane, not the left turn lane. People still have to turn left. The sign doesn’t say road closed or detour.
So I stayed in the left lane. I figured that this was the way to get to the left turn lane.
I was absolutely, totally wrong.
In my defense, I will say I didn’t zoom past anyone. No one was moving in front of me. No one was moving to my right. Cars were turning out of hotels and restaurants and other parking lots trying to get in line with me. The fastest I moved was when a couple of cars in front of me gave up and made U-turns trying to get away from the gridlock.
It took me 35 minutes — by the dashboard clock — to go about one-half mile.
So I was punished for my foolishness — and I was late to court besides. But, punished or not, today, I was “that guy.” I’m truly sorry.
Curmudgeon is a self-described dinosaur — an Ozzie and Harriet person living in an Ozzy and Sharon world. And sometimes it confuses the heck out of him. He writes a very amusing blog at Second Effort.
Twitter Is Dead – Dec 2013
You heard me. Well maybe you didn’t. When you’re over 50, the hearing can start to deteriorate. I SAID, TWITTER IS DEAD.
How do I know? Because I recently saw a statistic from a Pew Research report, and it indicated that Twitter usage among 50-64 year olds doubled over the past 2 years. It is now probably the fastest growing demo for this social media behemoth.
So…in a repeat performance of how baby boomers killed facebook, it’s easy to see that Twitter will be dead in no time. Not only do they not have a clue about how to monetize it — now they’re faced with the kiss of death stranglehold exerted by baby boomers. Like giant Anacondas, our demo can squeeze the life out of anything, whether it’s the latest social media fad or a new television show. If baby boomers actively like it, you can easily predict its demise.
Face it. If we like something, our enthusiasm and sheer numbers eventually make it unpalatable to everyone else. The landscape is littered with the fads we’ve destroyed. Acid-washed jeans, cocaine, Angry Birds, water beds, Ford Thunderbird, new age anything, etc., etc. If we’re all over it, then it’s all over.
We can turn a popular program or product into toast overnight. We may not kill it completely, but we can easily turn it into a niche product that only appeals to our demographic and is reviled by everyone else.
If only we could learn to use our powers for the good of the planet. Want to end global warming? Harness the power of baby boomers by getting us to deny it exists. Bam! Overnight everyone else will accept the truth of global warming research. It’s the same reverse psychology our parents used some fifty or more years ago. They didn’t want us to smoke, so they handed us the cigarettes and matches. Wait a second – that didn’t always work out the way they thought it would.
No matter. The dictum stands. Boomers like it. Boomers kill it. Remember, you read it here first. After we’ve killed Twitter, we may move on to Snapchat.
Jay Harrison is a graphic designer and writer whose work can be seen at DesignConcept. He’s written a mystery novel, which therefore makes him a pre-published author.
True Grit – Dec 2013
John Glenn, Gene Autry, Tommy Dorsey, even Loretta Lynn and I have a common background.
We all learned responsibility and rewards are not easy.
And that cash flow doesn’t mean you are wealthy.
And that swindling a newspaper can be profitable – for a while.
I sold Grit newspapers when I was a pup. I’m pretty sure I was seduced by one of their ubiquitous ads appearing in the comic books I always was buying.
That kid in the image could have been me, right down to the plaid shirt and toe-head with buzz cut. Aside: Tommy was the only barber in Allen and he knew two haircuts: long or buzz.
I checked with Mother and Dad and they were OK with me taking on the task of peddling papers. And like the ad says, there were over 30,000 boys and girls going door-to-door selling the Saturday-only tabloid.
To earn the NEAT prizes FREE a saleskid had to PURCHASE a bunch of Grits. The more you PURCHASED over a longer time, the NEATer the prize Never mind about sales… this was the newspaper model. The newspaper wholesales to the carriers who were retailers. Still true today for the most part.
The newspapers arrived rolled in a tight bundle covered with brown kraft paper and tied with twine. They were delivered by Greyhound Bus. The bus would slow down on U.S. 12, the door would swoosh open and out the bundle would fly, rolling to a stop. They delivered to Johnny’s Supermarket and Johnny would fetch the bundle for me a tote it inside.
I would claim the papers, head home and read Grit, and sometime between Thursday afternoon and Saturday (the dateline) head out to peddle my papers.
Going door-to-door was the sales model. No subscriptions. But I soon developed a route of loyal customers and would from time to time make some cold calls when a customer died.
Didn’t take me long to realize that Grit didn’t really care if they got paid or not. “Legitimate” daily newspapers belong to an organization that audits their circulation so that advertisers can be persuaded that the numbers are “real.”
Not sure Grit ever belonged to that organization. I soon started ordering 5-10 more copies a week than I knew I could sell – made those NEAT prizes a little easier to get. I also realized that if I skipped a payment every once in a while, Grit didn’t seem to mind. They sent out nice little letters, but Guido didn’t show up at my door to break my kneecaps.
I was living on cash flow. Take in $5 a week from sales, spend $3 a week on Coke and Butterfingers, and send $3 to Grit.
$5 – $3 – $3 = oops!!!
To keep Grit from not busing the papers to me, I would take some extra cash – from a car wash job, or cashing in pop bottles to get the deposit back, or from stealing from my brother’s wallet, I would make an extra payment toward my “balance due.”
Eventually my laziness got the best of me and I stopped “selling” Grit. I took what I thought was a better and easier job: working for my dad… that’s a whole ‘nother story. Hardest job I ever had.
10 yeas later I started what turned out to be my career – daily newspaper.
I paid very close attention to the circulation audits.
Mark Van Patten writes a blog called Going Like Sixty and has been married to the same woman since 1968.
Internet Junkies – Nov 2013
That would be you…you’re an internet junkie. That is if you’re a baby boomer. According to a recent McAfee study Americans age 50 and older are online an average of five hours per day. What the hell are we doing online for five hours? Facebooking and tweeting most likely. The study indicates that 80% of the survey respondents were using social media and 36% logged in to their social media sites on a daily basis.
The scariest stat is that 75% of the respondents did not know that social networking makes them vulnerable to identity theft and fraud. DUH! Double DUH! We’ve been oversharing since we were babies, so why would we stop now?
Now stop and think a moment. Why did McAfee commission this study? Remember, this is a company that sells anti-virus software and it’s owned by Intel. The survey found that 57% of the respondents shared or posted personal information online, and that excludes the normal info you supply when shopping online. And when they tell you that 24% of respondents have sent personal or intimate messages on their mobile devices, but a third have no password protection on them, what they are also doing is hyping the need for us to buy their antivirus protection products.
Hey, we may be internet junkies but we can see through the haze when someone tries to scare us into buying their products. Oh sure, they give you some tips on protecting yourself like not giving out your address, phone number or social security number online. We knew that. Change your passwords often? Easy to say but hard to do. Can’t remember the ones we have now. Turn off the GPS feature on your phone camera so people don’t know where you are. Not a bad idea or you could wait until you got home to send the pictures anyway.
It’s one thing when the American Heart Association does a study about diet and draws some conclusions in the form of advice to helps us all eat healthier. But it’s another thing when a for-profit company conducts a study for the purpose of encouraging us to buy their product. Something tells me we will be seeing more of this kind of covert marketing. The sheer size of our demographic continues to make us a target – for the identity thieves and the antivirus software makers.
Jay Harrison is a graphic designer and writer whose work can be seen at DesignConcept. He’s written a mystery novel, which therefore makes him a pre-published author.
High Jinks – Nov 2013
It’s not really a surprise to most boomers, but maybe some millenials are scratching their heads when they read that marijuana use among baby boomers is on the rise. The latest stats from the National Survey on Drug Use and Health indicate that people 50-years-old and up are discovering (maybe make that rediscovering) marijuana at a pretty good clip.
“For adults aged 50 to 54, the rate increased from 3.4 percent in 2002 to 7.2 percent in 2012. Among those aged 55 to 59, the rate of current illicit drug use increased from 1.9 percent in 2002 to 6.6 percent in 2012,” the federal survey said.
“Among those aged 60 to 64, the rate increased from 1.1 percent in 2003 to 3.6 percent in 2012. These trends partially reflect the aging … of members of the baby boom cohort (i.e., persons born between 1946 and 1964), whose rates of illicit drug use have been higher than those of older cohorts.”
One can only hope that the dramatic increase is not related to medical conditions that can be remediated by smoking the ganja. I like to think that it’s just pure lust for that old feeling of euphoria that’s driving the spike in usage.
Seriously, what baby boomer isn’t nostalgic for that time when friends passed around the bong and listened to Jimi Hendrix play Crosstown Traffic? Wow, that stereo sound was something special and being high made it even more special. The fact that it was illegal upped the ante in terms of excitement.
As boomers aged, they either gave it up for fear that the law would come bursting in the door at any moment or it gave way to legal highs from throwing back a couple of martinis. Some boomers kept on puffing, and for them, a joint at the end of the day was their martini.
Now that twenty states have made medical marijuana legal and you can smoke dope hassle-free in Washington state and Colorado, plenty of boomers are starting to remember the pleasure they got from a good marijuana buzz. It feels like a big wheel turning and coming back around to the place where you got off some 40-plus years ago.
I’m picturing the snack aisle in the grocery store in a few years, and it’s a vision of boomers shuffling along with their wheeled walkers, eyes glazed over from a blast of Bubba Kush, picking out some savory chips to ease the munchies.
Is that such a bad way to spend your golden years?
Jay Harrison is a graphic designer and writer whose work can be seen at DesignConcept. He’s written a mystery novel, which therefore makes him a pre-published author.
