essays

Put Your Money In Ambulances

That’s right -- the next big investment opportunity if you want to see your money grow --buy an ambulance company. Competition among ambulance services for nonemergency medical transportation is getting fierce. Knoxville, Tennessee, for example, has two dozen services vying to take you to the hospital. Most of the runs are for pre-scheduled trips where a patient needs assistance, but there’s also the standby service where an ambulance is needed at sporting events or concerts. Think heart attack while rocking out to the aging Stones -- or maybe one of the Stones goes down. Either way, you can be assured that an ambulance is waiting outside to shovel up the afflicted (or affected) boomers and get them poste haste to hospital.

I can see where this may be going. At first, boomers will be content to use a standard ambulance, but as the competition heats up, they are going to want something different, something unique. I’m thinking muscle cars from the 70s. Convert a Pontiac GTO or Dodge Charger (maybe called the General Hospital) into an ambulance and boomers will climb all over that trend. Or how about a woody surf wagon with the surfboards still on the roof, Jan and Dean blaring on the sound system?

If you follow this logic to its inevitable conclusion, some boomers will start getting picky about what kind of ambulance they want to take to the hospital. Picture the guy who says, “I’ll wait for the next one,” in hopes of getting a cooler medwagon. Seem farfetched? Not if you’re talking about baby boomers who are very concerned with image. Arriving at the hospital or doctor’s office in a plebian, vanilla ambulance could wreck havoc with their reputation for good taste.

My suggestion would be if image is that important to you and you have the financial resources, buy your own ambulance and keep a driver/EMT on standby. That way you will always have a cool ambulance at your disposal, whether you’re at the beach or just taking in a ballgame. As crazy as it sounds, would you take a bet that it won’t happen?

Me neither.

Jay Harrison is a graphic designer and writer whose work can be seen at DesignConcept. He's written a mystery novel, which therefore makes him a pre-published author.