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You Know You’re A Geezer When…

It’s funny (or sad, depending on your viewpoint) how many occasions crop up when you find yourself car showroom thinking that you have entered geezerdom. I’m not talking about forgetting why you got up from the sofa to go into the kitchen, or not being able to think of the right word to express a particular thought. I’m talking about official acts of geezerness.

A good example was my recent experience at the car dealer. I was taking wife’s car in for an oil change after a night when the cat woke me up twice screaming for food. Add to that the fact that most mornings I get up at 5:15 a.m. to go brisk walking and you have all the ingredients for early morning drowsiness (the kind where you think you could fall asleep driving to work).

I planted myself on a cushy faux leather-genuine vinyl sofa in the showroom amid the gleaming Mazdas and thought I might read the paper. A showroom employee turned on the big flatscreen TV and set it on Good Morning America. I remember something about an interview with teenagers who survived a sinking boat-snorkel adventure and the next thing I knew Rachel Ray was talking to Buffy the Vampire Slayer --- well, not really Buffy, but the actress Sarah Michelle Gellar. The two of them appeared to be outdoing each other on the perkiness scale.

Somehow, I had lost about 10 or 15 minutes. I was either time-shifting or I had fallen asleep. I guessed that it was not down to time-shifting. I did a drool check (feel under your lower lip to see Howdy Doody if anything has leaked out of your mouth) but that’s not always conclusive. I was going to ask the other customer waiting on the adjacent sofa, but thought better of that idea. I mean, what was I going to ask him? Excuse me sir, was I sleeping just now? Did you hear me snoring? These are not questions you pose to strangers in car showrooms.

I know there are other ways to test for geezerdom. 1. What was butch wax used for? 2. Where was the headlight dimmer located? 3. What was the duck and cover drill? 4. Who was the princess on Howdy Doody? (see wrong answers below). But I don’t need to take any tests. I know I’ve hit the mark, and if I had any doubts, they were erased in the car showroom.

Wrong Answers: 1. To shine lesbians 2. On the steering wheel. 3. Hide and seek 4. Who’s Howdy Doody?

Jay Harrison is a graphic designer and writer whose work can be seen at DesignConcept. He's written a mystery novel, which therefore makes him a pre-published author.

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